On Vulnerability
31st Edition - September 30th, 2023 - Square squads, cheap seats, and talking to strangers
To be vulnerable, or not to be vulnerable? That’s a question many of us in leadership positions ponder. When is it OK to let our guard down and be human beings, and when are we expected, instead, to be a paragon of strength and neutrality? Whether we are responding to the chorus of critics around us (often people shouting, as Brene Brown would say, from the cheap seats in the symbolic arena), or the unkind voice in our own head (as Romesh Ranganathan so perfectly describes in the video above), it’s easy to question when it’s OK to be our true selves out in the world. And yet I firmly believe that the changing landscape of education demands a different type of leadership—one that is more human and more empathetic. One that, through our example, allows others to safely and securely also be themselves. Naturally, at least in the US, with vulnerability comes challenges, and these challenges are often steeped in the expectations of a society that is clearly finding it hard to move out of the past.
Historically, leaders were envisioned as unshakable pillars—resolute, distant, almost superhuman. But times have changed, and so have our expectations. People want leaders who are relatable, who understand personal struggles, who can walk in someone else’s shoes. This has blurred the lines between traditional professional relationships, creating spaces for deeper connections and transformative growth. But, let's address the elephant in the room: While vulnerability fosters connections, it also leaves the door open for judgment and fault-finding. Being open, empathetic, and accommodating can sometimes be perceived as being “soft” or too permissive. And knowing and expecting this does not make it easier to hear - take my word for it.
First, it's crucial to understand (and accept) that vulnerability is not synonymous with weakness. Brene Brown, renowned for her research on vulnerability, stated that it is the "birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change." To be vulnerable is to have the courage to show up, without the guarantee of the outcome. It's about leaning into the unknown. So, my fellow leaders, when you show vulnerability, you’re actually demonstrating strength and courage, not weakness. Don’t believe me? Imagine standing in front of a roomful of people all looking to you for the answer to fix something, and telling them you have no idea what to do next. Think that’s the easy way out? If so then you’ve never actually had to do it.
On the other hand, as much as vulnerability can be a superpower, it does come with its very specific form of kryptonite. It's not uncommon for vulnerable leaders to feel that their empathetic nature is being used against them, and it’s almost inevitable that people will tell you that it is even if it isn’t. This will make you second-guess yourself and consider changing your approach even when you haven’t been presented with any actual evidence. Here's where the balance comes in.
1. Boundaries are essential: Vulnerability doesn’t mean erasing all boundaries. As leaders, it's vital to set clear expectations and maintain consistency. You can be understanding without compromising on your own core values and the goals of of the institution. And it only takes maintaining these boundaries for a short time before people start to understand what you will accept and what you won’t.
2. Communication is key: Let your team know why you make certain decisions. Transparency can prevent misunderstandings and bridge any perception gaps. I have often had colleagues tell me that while they don’t necessarily agree with all of my decisions they always know the nature of my stance on a topic because I’ve been clear and consistent over time.
3. Feedback makes us better: This not only shows that you value others' opinions but can also provide insight into any areas of improvement. It’s one of the most difficult parts of leadership, but it’s also one of the most essential. This will challenge every aspect of your self-perception, but it’s almost always worth it. When is it not? When you are seeking feedback from someone who has consistently shown that they will act selfishly or in bad faith. You already know who they are. Stop looking for their approval!
4. Reflection creates space: Self-awareness is a critical component of not only leadership, but life in general. A quote is often attributed to author and Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Sometimes I remember this. Other times I don’t until it’s too late, so I always appreciate an opportunity to reiterate it. Reflect on your interactions. Are there times you could have been clearer? Are there situations where it felt like something was about you, but it probably wasn’t? Did you react to quickly to something that triggered you when you could have given it time? Don’t worry - If you are present in your leadership people around you will likely make sure you have plenty of opportunities to remain self-aware. Take advantage of it.
5. Support systems lift us: Engage with mentors, peers, and other leaders. Remember that leaders are all around us, and they don’t always look like us. Sharing experiences and inviting in diverse perspectives can provide valuable guidance. We must have our people no matter what role we’re in. It will likely be a small group, and that’s actually preferable. Too many voices leads to indecision. Identify your squad of trustworthy confidants. Dr. Brown calls them your Square Squad because their names can fit in a 1”-by-1” square of paper. Write down their names. Look to them as your guides.
In the end, being a human-centered leader is a journey filled with immense rewards and occasional bumps. You can’t have one without the other. Don't let the fear of criticisms deter you from weaving threads of empathy, connection, and vulnerability into your story. Those are the elements that make the most beautiful patters in all our lives.
As you ponder this topic, consider - What parts of your life allow you to be your most authentic self? Does this intersect with your leadership life? If not, how can you grow more comfortable letting your guard down as a leader?
Sending strength and support your way,
Tim
A Quick Note to BOW Subscribers: One of the biggest things that motivates me to keep writing is the fact that there are currently 95 of you who have subscribed to read my words. 95! That in and of itself is humbling. Hitting that 100 subscriber mark is so close! It doesn’t really mean anything other than it’s a very cool personal milestone, and I would love your help getting there. If ever you felt like sharing my work with people who might be interested, now is the time. Or don’t and just keep reading. That is totally great, too! Most of all, thanks for being here.
Quote of the week:
“A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance. The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” - Brene Brown, Rising Strong
What I’m Thankful For
Coffee. Whenever I’m feeling down, coffee is there for me. Give me a light and sweet iced latte any day of the year, and I am ready to take on life’s challenges. As I write this, I’m drinking one right now at my favorite cafe - maple fig with almond milk. Bring on the day!
What I’m Reading & Listening To
Education:
NYASCD Impact Journal - Ownership Not Fear: Preparing Educators for AI in the Classroom - It’s me! I’m published! This happened a couple of months ago, and I’ve been somewhat sheepish about sharing it far and wide, but gosh darn it, I’m proud of myself. AI is here to stay whether we avoid it or embrace it, and it is shaping the world of work now and forever more. I’m choosing to embrace it while also ensuring that we have systems in place to give the next generation of innovators the skills to navigate this brave new world. So, if you are so inclined and interested in the topic (and not already tired of reading my writing) I’d love for you to check it out.
Mental Health:
NPR: Why a stranger's hello can do more than just brighten your day - Those who don’t know me well might be surprised to find out that I often vacillate in a day between extrovert and introvert. Because of that, I sometimes need to be reminded of the importance of small positive interactions with strangers around me as much as bigger, more comfortable time with family and close friends. This article helped to reinforce that it’s important for me to climb out of my digital devices and embrace the passing connections available all around.
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I appreciated this piece Tim. You are a thoughtful and insightful leader. I wonder if the "rules" for being vulnerable as a leader are the same for women and men. I wonder if women leaders feel a lot of pressure NOT to show their vulnerabilities, and instead choose to present a tough front so as not to be seen as weak, or stereotypically female. I hope we've come a long way from the need for that....but I still find it a challenge to find female leaders who are willing to share their vulnerabilities. Those who have are certainly the best kind of leaders. Keep up the great writing!