On Being Sad Or Possibly Just Hungry
24th Edition - December 18th, 2022 - How We Feel, Impostor Syndrome, and Restorative Justice
December is a difficult month in schools across the country, and it’s a time ripe for emotional discord. The holidays demand a lot from people in general, and when you pile the responsibilities and expectations that come with this time of year on top of the remnants of the last several years, it’s a recipe for hurt feelings, exhaustion, and unnecessary conflict. Educators carry a huge mental load no matter what month we are in, but, especially during the holidays, we all carry just a little bit more.
If you couldn’t guess, I’ve been thinking a lot about feelings lately. And one of the best ways to acknowledge feelings, at least for me, is to write about them. I can’t think of a time when I’m not analyzing some interaction that I’ve recently (or not-so-recently) had. I’m having a spontaneous conversation in the hallway. I’m in a meeting. I’m having a text chat. I’m reading an email. I’m remembering something someone said to me last week. I’m reliving a mistake that I made five years ago. Whatever the scenario, it’s one already primed to evoke high emotions, they’re engaged, and they’re slowly moving from backseat driver to the passenger seat where they’re trying to dangerously yank the wheel out of my control. Anxieties and frustration stated as questions come at me in rapid sequence, hammering that place that triggers my impostor syndrome. The story I’ve been telling myself about my capabilities, the one narrated by my inner voice, is unfolding in my mind. My jaw clenches. The pressure behind my eyes intensifies. Maybe heat flows through my chest. Instinct, fight-flight-or-freeze, begins to set in. A moment passes. A spark of realization. Right now there are two paths in front of me. I can push forward into a flash of pure emotion as a reaction to this self-created narrative, damaging a relationship(s) as a result, or I can engage internal curiosity about what’s driving my emotions. Which path do I choose? Which path would you choose?
As humans, we experience a wide range of feelings on any given day. From joy to sadness, anger to fear, and everything in between - our emotional landscape is constantly shifting and evolving. While it can be difficult to decipher what each emotion means on its own and why we’re feeling it, learning to recognize when you are feeling specific emotions can help you better understand yourself and your reactions to certain situations. And when you work in a people-centered field, like educators do, it’s that much more important that we try to understand when we might be sad or if we may just need to remember not to skip lunch.
One of the most important aspects of recognizing our own emotions is being able to identify them quickly when they arise. This requires an awareness of both our internal physical sensations as well as environmental cues that trigger certain feelings or responses. I mentioned a few of my own in the first paragraph. For example, if you find yourself becoming increasingly anxious during a meeting at work, take note of what’s happening right before this sensation bubbles up - were there particular words or phrases that seemed particularly triggering? Are there people present who make you feel uncomfortable? Did you walk into the room already primed for conflict? Taking the time to pause and reflect on these questions can provide valuable insight into how different elements connect and lead to an emotional response.
The next step after identifying which emotions are present is understanding why they have been triggered. Often our reactions are rooted within us - perhaps something from our past has caused us pain or discomfort which then manifests when similar events occur. It’s important to acknowledge these underlying causes and also practice self-compassion so that we don’t become overwhelmed by our own reaction patterns. This may be where I personally start veering into the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do territory because I’m not always very kind to myself.
Once we become more familiar with how certain events cause particular emotional responses, it becomes easier over time to anticipate occurrences before they happen, allowing us the opportunity to prepare ourselves ahead of time (i.e., setting boundaries). By taking proactive steps, we create space for ourselves where possible triggers no longer seem so daunting – thus providing much needed relief from potential stressors.
Finally it's essential that once all this recognition takes place we (1) accept where we stand emotionally; (2) allow ourselves some breathing room; (3) think through different solutions on how to best handle things going forward; and lastly (4), come up with a plan to put strategy into action. All four steps will help strengthen resilience and also aid in managing any unforeseen emotional bumps along the journey, too. It’s a process with ups and downs. Allow yourself to make mistakes, and forgive yourself for being a person. It’s one thing that every single one of us has in common. So be kind to yourself during this holiday season, and all seasons moving forward, and when faced with a fork in the emotional path in front of you, stop for a moment to read the signs. They just might send you in a completely new, self-aware direction.
Stay hydrated, and
check on your emotions!
Tim
What I’m Thankful For
How We Feel App - It might seem weird to be thankful for an app that constantly reminds me to feel my feelings, think about my feelings, investigate my feelings, and talk about my feelings, but I assure you it can be life-changing. In a culture that has taught us, and especially men, that emotion equals weakness, immersing myself in a process that re-teaches me how to learn from the emotions I’m having throughout the day feels revolutionary. I have been tracking my emotions consistently at least twice a day for the entire month of December, quickly journaling in the app through notes or voice recordings what else is going on, and while I’m certainly not suddenly the most enlightened person I know, I am less often allowing my emotions to hijack my brain these days. My preference for visual prompts also means I love the video lessons and strategies that show up each time I track. It’s a journey, and I like the direction I’m aimed in when I use How We Feel as a tool for self-awareness.
Links of the Week
Education:
ASCD Blog: A Cure for the Imposter Syndrome Crisis in Education Leadership - I actually had to break up my reading of this article because I had such a visceral reaction to the content. I felt it in my soul, and I had to take some space to understand where that was coming from. This snippet is one example:
“This school year in particular, it seems like every interaction between teachers and administrators is contentious. Most leaders have done their level best to respond to the malaise sweeping through the teaching profession and districts have provided financial bonuses, flexible working conditions, and easing of extraneous tasks. Still, teaching is such a demanding profession that these measures seem meretricious, even insulting. On top of that, an education leader’s job is not merely to respond to teachers’ problems, but to enact innovation. Pushing for change now, of all times, can make you feel like a monster—a sociopathic tyrant bludgeoning hardworking teachers with unwanted initiatives. If you had impostor syndrome before, it’s most likely on overdrive these days.”
This is something I am just so personally proud of, and I had to share it here. Schools are working overtime these days to find new and innovative ways to put students at the forefront of leading change, and our school district’s work around Restorative Justice and mediation practices fill my heart with hope. I am so proud of the school staff and students who are making this happen, so I hope you’ll indulge me by checking out the short YouTube video.
Mental Health:
Big Think: Becoming More Resistant - the path to antifragility - I came across this video via my subscription to Refind, and I’m intrigued by the idea of using suffering to strengthen ourselves rather than being lead by the notion that we should expect happiness and ease to be the default of life. Sounds depressing, but I promise it isn’t. Watch the video.
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